


Orpheus' Road Trip Mix

by buttsbeyondbutts



Series: Lives AU [3]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Adult Losers Club (IT), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bisexual Patricia Blum Uris, Bisexual Stanley Uris, Canon Jewish Character, Canonical Character Death, Depression, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Suicide, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:14:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26344702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttsbeyondbutts/pseuds/buttsbeyondbutts
Summary: Patty works through her grief.
Relationships: Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris, The Losers Club & Patricia Blum Uris
Series: Lives AU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1515356
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17





	Orpheus' Road Trip Mix

_From The Papers of Patricia Blum Uris_

_Dear Patty,_

_I'm sorry. I love you._

_Stan_

* * *

_August 1, 2016_

_Dear Stan,_

_Doctor Schultz told me to try writing to you to express my grief. She’s concerned that I’m not letting myself feel the loss yet._

_I’m not. I don't want to feel the loss. There shouldn't be a loss to feel._

_I keep forgetting that you’re gone. Literally. I ordered lunch from Kim’s and got you Pho just out of habit. It’s just sitting in the refrigerator, loaded with your nasty cilantro, mocking me. It’s sad. Objectively, I know it’s fucking tragic and I should be bawling my eyes out but I’m not. I’m just staring at the fridge, waiting for you to come home and eat the food I brought you._

_I should be crying, or screaming, or something but I can’t. Because I still think you’re coming home. Come home so we can work this out, whatever it is. Because I have no idea what it is. I keep thinking you’ll come downstairs and tell me._

_I wish you’d hurry up._

_Love,_

_Patty_

* * *

_August 6 th 2016_

_Dear Stan,_

_You never told me you grew up with Beverly Marsh. She’s very kind, which annoys me. She keeps asking if there’s anything “we” can do._

_You were part of a whole “we” that I never knew about, Stanley. If I could feel anything, I might hate you for that._

_Bev wants to know if there’s anything they can do._

_She can’t bring my husband back so… no._

_Patty_

* * *

_8/13_

_Stan,_

_Guess who’s feeling her emotions again?!_

_Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you_

_Fuck you,_

_Patty_

* * *

_Stan,_

_~~This is so stupid. You’re not going to read this. You’re fucking dead.~~ _

_~~I miss you. I hate you and I miss you.~~ _

_~~What the fuck was that suicide note, Stanley? I love you? Why would you~~ _

_I miss you so much._

_Patty_

* * *

_9/1_

_Stan,_

_I met Mike Hanlon in person today. Yesterday, actually. He showed up on the porch at 9:30, while I was watching Real Housewives._

_~~I know it’s garbage but I can’t finish anything we started together. Your stupid puzzle is still colonizing my coffee table.~~ _

_He’s ~~nice a mess I don’t know.~~_

_You know he always introduces himself with his full name. Even though I already met him. “Hi. I’m Mike Hanlon from Derry,” as if I’d been expecting a Mike Hanlon from Oshkosh. “Stan’s friend.”_

_They all get quiet when they say they knew you, like it hurts to say your name. ~~Maybe that’s why I keep letting them in.~~ _

_We talked for a long time, mostly about you. He wanted to know everything. He said losing touch with you was his biggest regret. ~~Did you~~_

_He’s easy to talk to, Mike Hanlon from Derry. I told him everything I knew, for whatever good it’d do either of us. It’s so much easier to talk to them than anyone we knew together. Like you’re just in the other room and I’m filling them in on the last fifteen years._

_Your last fifteen years._

_I love you,_

_Patty_

* * *

_9/2_

_Stan,_

_Of course, I can’t tell Mike what he really wants to know. What we really want to know. _

_I can’t tell him why._

_~~fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you~~ _

_I keep waiting for one of them to tell me, one of your six ghosts of Stanley past. I guess I only ever talk to Mike and Bev, and Ben sometimes. Eddie and Richie want to pay their respects once he’s well enough to travel. Maybe one of them will tell me._

_That’s not fair. ~~Why do I have to be fair?~~ They’re not lying. You told them you were afraid, that you couldn’t see another move except to remove yourself from the game. ~~What game~~_

_~~It’d be easier It’d be better~~ I keep thinking it’d be easier if you had a reason but it wouldn’t. I can’t think of anything that would justify-_

_You killed my husband, Stan. Whatever your reasons, whatever sickness you were dealing with, whatever scared you so badly, you killed my husband._

_I don’t think I can forgive that._

_I love you,_

_Patty_

* * *

_9/9_

_Dear Stan,_

_Mike left town today. He’s on some sort of self-discovery journey. Next stop is New Orleans._

_I don’t know why I’m updating you on them. It’s not like you ever mentioned any of them in the last twenty years._

_Maybe because I like them? You always had good taste, cilantro notwithstanding. Bev calls every Friday. We ran out of you stories about a month ago so now we just talk about anything- her divorce, trash TV, the places we’ve been. You know she was in Paris the same week we had our honeymoon? Of course, she was working not obsessing over the catacombs so we missed each other. Remember the catacombs? You swore you would never go down but the minute I did, you followed. You held my hand so tight, I thought you’d cut off the circulation. I miss you. ~~~~_

_Bev always hands the phone off to Ben. He knew you longer than she did but we mostly talk historical architecture. I love you but there’s only so many library stories I can listen to. That’s a lie._

_They miss you. It’s incredible how much they miss you. Ben’s voice gets shaky every time he finishes a story, and he’ll go quiet. Bev’s voice gets heavy, choked up, same with Richie. Eddie hiccups and hands the phone back to Richie. I haven’t actually talked to Bill yet._

_I can hear the ache in Mike’s voice every time he says your name. He does that thing you used to, covering his eyes with one hand to try and pretend he’s not crying. I don’t mind the crying. He apologizes too much, acts like it’s a huge imposition to bring me dinner or help pack up the house._

_~~Did I tell you I’m selling the house? Well, you didn’t tell me you were killing yourself so~~ _

_Bev and Ben want to stop by in a couple weeks, once her divorce is settled. It’ll be a decent excuse to shower. I can’t use our bathroom anymore. ~~Fuck~~_

_I miss Mike already. I miss you. I’m going to spend the rest of my life missing you, aren’t I?_

_Fuck you for that,_

_Patty_

* * *

_9/11_

_My husband and his murderer are the same person, Stan._

_How am I supposed to grieve for both?_

* * *

_9/15_

_Stan,_

_You’re such a fucking dick, you know that? No, you don’t you’re dead._

_You are though. This is historical fact. I have records._

_You remember what you used to call me? ~~No, you don’t, you’re dead.~~ You called me a professional snoop. A snoop who procrastinates by decades. As if the entire historical society of Atlanta was devoted to reading our sisters’ journal._

_Fuck you, you dead fucking dick. In eighty years, some grad student is going to go through my papers and know you’re a dick. They’re going to put it in the history books. In September of 2016, Stanley Uris was a dick._

_A dick with shitty primary sources. Seven suicide notes and all you could say was that you loved me?_

_I love you too,_

_Patty_

_Remember in college when I had three shots of vodka and spent the night? You carried me to your couch and slept on the floor next to me? I woke up before you and just watched you sleep. I watched you until you woke up, then I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep._

_I drank a bottle tonight and I still can’t sleep._

* * *

_9/17_

_Dear Stan,_

_Ben and Bev visited today._

_Is it legal for two people to be that gorgeous? Neither one is particularly our type but hot damn, would I make a couple of exceptions._

_Remember in college, when Jason Funderbaker would give us shit for being “too in love”? Like we’d kiss and he’d leave the room? And you said it was just envy?_

_I think I finally understand where he was coming from._

_They’re nice too, these secret friends of yours. I could forgive them for being beautiful if they weren’t so goddamn nice._

_Love you,_

_Patty_

* * *

_9/22_

_Stanley,_

_I wish you’d wake up._

_I wish I’d wake up._

_The house won’t sell. I should get a hotel. Maybe I’d get some sleep and wake up beside you._

_If I woke up next to you, I might throttle you. That's a lie. I would absolutely throttle you, Stanley._

_All my love,_

_Patty_

* * *

_10/3/2016_

_Dear Stan,_

_You know the neighbors think you had an affair? Or some kind of disease or you committed some unspeakable crime. Evelyn Blotch said it must be something really bad, some horrifying secret that’s in danger of getting out. It’s always the quiet ones, according to Evelyn Blotch._

_She didn’t say it to my face. She’s a demure woman of the South. She mumbled behind her hand to Rita Chambers, like this cul de sac isn’t a fucking whisper gallery._

_I’m not from the south though, am I, Stanley? I’m a carpetbagging Yankee bitch and I told her to keep your name out of her mouth or I’d slap the collagen out of her lips._

_Then I went inside and cried on the couch._

_Miss you,_

_Patty_

* * *

_10/13_

_Stan,_

_The synagogue gave me a pamphlet after you died, about the five stages of grief. You would have had a fantastic rant about it, if not for the obvious. ‘Your spouse is gone but have a pseudo-science brochure from an unknowable deity’! I was too out of it to throw the thing away and just shoved it in my purse, ~~you know why.~~_

_Well, I found it today, and I think they should add a sixth stage: Horny._

_It’s been three months since my husband left me and I’m horny. I’m horny and angry and depressed. Denial lasted all of twenty-four hours and I never got the bargaining. ~~Acceptance~~_

_I miss you. I miss scoping out dudes with you in the grocery store. I miss the sounds you made when I touched you, I miss how I felt when you touched me. You made me feel safe and accepted every time. I loved having sex with you. I miss having sex with you._

_~~I could go out. I could get laid. The neighbors already think I’m fucking your friends. I’m still attractive. I could just go to a bar and hook up and cry my fucking eyes out~~ _

_I want you. You used to say that sometimes. You’d grab my hand in the kitchen, or in a theater, or on the street, and tell me you wanted me. You’d kiss me and I’d melt_

_I don’t think I can melt with someone else._

* * *

_10/20/2016_

_Stan,_

_I wish you’d had an affair. I wish you’d killed someone or had cancer or just… didn’t love me anymore._

_That was the last thing you ever told me, that you loved me. I don’t want that to be a lie._

_If you’d just left me- gone to fuck someone else, or hunt some mythical bird- at least you’d be alive._

_I want you to be alive._

_Patty_

* * *

_11/2/2016_

_Dear Stan,_

_Richie and Eddie arrived today. That means I’ve met everyone you sent a note to, except Bill Denbrough. Apparently he’s in London, wrapping up a movie. Bev mentioned he wasn’t overly comfortable on the phone._

_I don’t know why they all felt they needed to visit, but I’m glad they came. I wish they’d been here when we sat shiva. Instead, I got stuck with seven temple biddies who just wanted to snoop around the house. ~~Thanks for that.~~_

_I’m still angry at you. I might be angry with you for the rest of my life, but I want you to know- If you can know anything at all- I want you to know that I’m grateful._

_I’m grateful I got to know you, the small part of yourself that you allowed to be known. I used to think I was the only one you allowed to know you, but obviously that wasn’t true. Still, I got more than most of the world, more than I could ever deserve. Meeting the others, your “losers’ club”, means I get to fill in the blanks. Today I learned that my husband played baseball and he was good at it. Even though you’re gone, I still get to learn something new. It’s such an incredible gift._

_Thank you._

_Patty_

* * *

_What the fuck is IT?_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm reclining comfortably on my bullshit.
> 
> Please comment.


End file.
